Why Having to Rethink Family Traditions Can Be a Good Thing
Recently, I was on the phone with my sister. She was feeling down because the pandemic is preventing her from seeing her new grandbaby who lives with his parents in Boulder. My heart aches for my sister during this holiday season. She’ll have to figure out a whole new way to celebrate the holidays on her own this year, as will my nephew and his growing family. The truth is, most of us are facing the same challenge.
Tough as it may be, I believe that adversity brings opportunity. Rather than focus on the darkness of this strange season, I hope we all can seize the opportunity to create something new and bright.
After I hung up with my sis, I started thinking about when my husband, Matt, and I were living on the East Coast, far from both our actual- and our adopted families. Moving to rural New Hampshire forced us to consciously decide what our traditions and celebrations would be. Free from the complex dynamics that inevitably kick-in during family gatherings, we could be intentional about the rituals we wanted to create, adopt, or ditch.
New traditions don’t have to be traditional
For us, that meant continuing to recite my dad’s version of grace: “Every day, in every way, with God’s help and your love, I get better and better.” It meant inviting our new community to Matt’s 20-year harvest celebration he calls Pumpkins on Pikes. It also meant we could do “Thanksgiving casual” instead of the formal affair I’d grown up with.
Without realizing it at the time, we were creating a “bright” family culture that reflects our unique values and priorities. Now, many years later, I’m honored to help families identify and strengthen their family culture so that everyone can be united around things that matter to them. With countless family pods scattered and separated right now, it seems like the perfect time to share some activities to get you thinking about your family culture—including which rituals and traditions you choose to embrace.
3 ways to create a bright family culture
Choose as many of these activities as you want to explore right now. You might even come back to them again as the holiday season progresses.
Notice your traditions. Rituals and traditions let us celebrate, remember, and mark key moments or milestones together. They can exist around significant dates or recurring events, or they might as simple as ending every phone call with, “I love you.” Sharing the recurring experience with your family is what makes it powerful.
Do this: Make a list of up to ten rituals or traditions your family celebrates together. Ask yourselves:
Which ones do you look forward to the most? Why?
Are there any that you dislike or dread? Why?
Are there traditions you want to drop or change? What would the impact be?
Describe a family that you admire. A great way to understand your own values is to think about another family that you admire.
Do this: Keep your role model in mind as you answer these questions.
What is it about them that inspires you?
What could you learn from them?
Come up with a family motto. What rallying cry or motto best fits your family? It might be something you’ve said a million times without ever stopping to think about it (“We’re the Fix-It Family!” “We’re the Bad-Ass Family!”). Maybe it’s words or phrases from a mealtime ritual or something you always say at bedtime. (I always tell some of my favorite kids, “I love you more than bacon!”)
Do this: Come up with a family slogan so you can cheer each other on. Ask yourselves:
What four or five words describe us best?
What motto or phrase can we create around those words?
Why is it perfect for us?
Countless definitions of “family”
By the way, you don’t have to have kids to benefit from creating an intentional family culture. Whatever your family looks like, taking the time to consider who you are together and how you want to be together creates stronger bonds. It makes transitions easier, challenges more manageable, and the good times even better. Who wouldn’t want that for the holidays—and beyond?
On that note, here’s to health, to happiness, and to creating—and continuing—many bright family traditions. See you in 2021!